The Diary Of A Girl :What REALLY goes on!
by Strawberrii
Summary: A very far fetched parody, featuring Ichigo the school whore, Lettuce and Ryou the dumb, and Zakuro and Pai,the local goths. Read before you judge.
1. Chapter 1

**Note: Okay, I started this fic awhile ago, then stopped it suddenly, but now I would like to continue it, so I am exusing the bad writing at the beginning, and hope you will read on enough to the latest chapters (Chapter 8 plus) and give me a pleasant review.**

**Also I have not created a 'new Mew', the non canon chracter who narrates is here because I think it would be better if it was narrated by a non canon.**

* * *

**Monday 1st October / Period 1 Physics **

I, fourteen year old Tanaka Momiko have decided to record my life within this piece of leather, I did'nt really decide but Grandma gave it to me for my birthday the other week and before I could do anything she threw it at me ,missed, knocked over the bonsai plants and gulped down the sake before passing out on the sofa, she snores like when my mother accidentally hoovers our dog. My school seems to be filled with absolute, imbeciles, retar- I mean the socially awkward, (Kishu) your usual gang of popular whor- girls. (Ichigo Momomiya..Minto Aizawa...and Retasu Midorikawa...)and nerds, emo/goths...(Pai somebody - I don't know his last name, honestly- and Zakuro Fujioka) I suppose it would be quite interesting to write down the going ons and then compare it to other famous diaries. Anne Frank maybe. I bet Anne's school did'nt have Kish who peed out the science room window last year and managed to hit Principal Aoyama who was having a sneaky cigarette in the school parking lot. Well there's your first entry diary, my literary skills are quite poor to say I have only wrote this in half an hour, but I have to go quickly, Kish is heading my way.

**Period 2/ On my way to 3rd Period **

Seriously, how would I know if Ichigo Momomiya is a virgin?She is one of the most popular girls in school with Minto and even if she gave me the time of day, (although she admitted in Math she still couldn't tell time) I still wouldn't talk to her. Although judging by her personality I suppose she is'nt a virgin. Why would Kishu ask such a question? Only because he is madly in love with her but she is dating one of the most popular guys, Masaya Aoyama who's father is the one and only Principal Aoyama which scores Ichigo brownie points.I think Kish is very romantic,he once serenaded to her last year under the girls changing room window but she screamed 'pervert' and threw a box of tampons at him.

**Period 3 / English**

Someone must have overheard my and Kish's conversation because now the school is running a poll on weather Ichigo is a virgin or not, and she is suspiciously very quiet.

**Period 5 / Earth Science **

Its all over after one and half periods and Ichigo is NOT a virgin. Principal Aoyama was spotted having a punching match with a basketball, the basketball bounced of the wall and knocked him unconcious. It won. It is all over for Ichigo and Aoyama now.

**Home 5:25pm**

My friend Fumiko rang me and told me that Aoyama does not care about sucking up to his father if it means losing Ichigo, the two were seen canoodling at Sonny's Sushi and got thrown out. I am still on Kishu's side although that may change if he sends me another IM asking me what colour panties I'm wearing.

Fumiko rang again, but before I could get a word in edge ways she began to tell me about Principal Aoyama driving around the city looking for Aoyama before finding him and Ichigo canoodling behind a dumpster. Apparently Ichigo slapped him and ran to the Principal pretending Aoyama was fondling her against her will. She is such a good actress, Aoyama has been suspended for a week and is not allowed his Greenpeace action figures for a month. Ichigo was then spotted making out with Kish at the top of city tower. What is WRONG with society?

* * *

**Suggestions, critiques, (not a flame) are glady appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Mew Mew.**

**Note: I started this fic awhile ago, then stopped it suddenly, but now I would like to continue it, so I am exusing the bad writing at the beginning, and hope you will read on enough to the latest chapters (Chapter 8 plus) and give me a pleasant review.**

* * *

**Tuesday 2nd October/Period 1 Physics **

There they are, canoodling over by the sinks. Fumiko thinks its romantic. HOW is it romantic when a guy twists your boobs and goes "Calling all cars,are you receiving me?" And the popular table just exploded with laughter. I seriously think Io is going to spontaneously combust with fury. She said its vile and disgusting and was all set to tell the teacher until Fumiko stopped her, great I better jot this down for future blackmail.

**"**Just because YOU like porn doesn't mean others should have to witness it." Io scowled, adjusting her glasses.

Fumiko gasped, "I do NOT like porn, I just think if that they are happy being 'vile' then let them be..!"

Io groaned,"Please, the way he grabbed her 'things' they nearly POPPED!"

"Just because you have fried eggs and Ichigo is 36DD!" Fumiko brought out the first insult, and I want to know HOW she knows Ichigo's bra size?

Io raised her eyebrow. "Is that even a size?And I do not have fried eggs how dare you!"

At this point we had attracted slight unwanted male attention, (unfortunately from the school pervert) so I decided to butt in. "Um...Guys? I don't think its polite to discuss ones bra size in the middle of physics..."

"Shut it meatballs!" Fumiko cried, which was rather insulting because I don't like meatballs since I found a false nail in one at school.

Io seemed to agree here. "Yeah stay out of it!"

I wished I was never born.

And I'm afraid the rest of the conversation was rather graphic. Fumiko and Io came up with some rather abusive obscene language which got ALL of us detention which I attempted to protest against but was put off by Kishu staring at my 'meatballs'.

**Period 2 / Nurses Office**

Have been forced to the nurses office by Io. At first I thought she was sick but its turns out she is trying to prove Fumiko wrong when she said Io was a teachers pet and would never do anything rebellious; before the nurse arrived Io thumped me so hard in the stomach I vomited all over. Safe to say, the nurse was disturbed.

Io blinked innocently as I upheaved. "Momiko is sick, so I brought her here!" she said and the nurse told me to sit down.

Although it should have been Io who vomited because before long even she realized she wasn't allowed to hang around in the infirmary pretending to be interested in a photo of a cats diaphragm. (Why a cats?) So she sloped off while I sat with my head between my knees vomiting into a bucket when Ichigo Momomiya walked in. At first I thought her boobs had dropped off because she was crippled over but then she stood straight and there was an eclipse of light in the doorway. She smiled at me and sat down and winced as I threw my breakfast (of green tea because my mom is going through a hippie stage) into a quickly filling bucket.

Ichigo sighed as if it were a burden on her part. "You know it was pretty stupid to let her punch you just so you would vomit. I would have stuck my fingers down my throat,or got pregnant."

I didn't even bother to reply.

Thus our conversation drew to an .I'm so going home.

**Wednesday 3rd October**

Ah how good it feels to be back in school with the refreshing smell of stink bombs, and how good to see Kishu outside the reception wearing gym shorts because he tried to set fire to his farts; and his pants caught alight. It was actually quite amusing to see him running around shouting "Holy Cow! I'm on fire man put me out!"

We were all stood frozen until the crazy janitor burst into action and grabbed the fire extinguisher and sprayed Kishu until the Principal stopped him, saying he was getting a bit carried .Ishyama muttered something about gas then toddled off to his little hut outside the playing feilds. Ichigo Momomiya has told Minto Aizawa that Io punched me so I would vomit, Mint is famous for gossip, and spread it immediately expanding the story to that I passed out and was rushed to hospital. Nobody is speaking to Io. But she does'nt seem to notice, as she has new friends. I found them round the back of school but could barley see their heads because of the smoke, it cleared and I actually jumped in surprise, they had so much make up on, pale panstick, black eyeshadow and purple lipstick, both Io or her new friends could barley keep their eyes open.

"Meet my friends,Pai and Zakuro..."she inhaled and looked at me like I was the principal or something.

"Want a spliff?I can build you one."Pai said.

"Damn you Pai!Females don't smoke that crap!Its either cigarettes or drugs."Zakuro snapped.

"I'm sure Momiko would be thankful for your knife Pei, it would be nice for another exuse to leave the classroom."Io said and handed over a plastic knife from the canteen.

"Io! You hav'nt been cutting yourself have you?" I asked horrified.

"Just once when I thought Zak was being sexist it turns out,females don't take much joy in it as males,you better not try it." Io explained.

"IO! I WAS NEVER GOING TO!" I just left.I mean if Io wants to smoke crap and cut herself its hardly my problem is it? I do fear for my life though.I accidentally told Minto about it in Geometry and she really has taken a shine to me. Her story is Io is slitting her wrists to end her tragic life, and smoking is her pain relief and Pai and Zakuro are going to sacrifice her to an emo god and take over the school unless everyone ignores them. Of course its all made it up,well except the part about ignoring them.

**Home**

Something strange has happened. It was SO like _Mean Girls _today.I was walking over to mine and Fumiko's table when Ichigo stopped me.

"Hey bitch come sit with us!"and the next thing I know I was at the popular table, they are so noisy.I swear I thought the vacuum made a lot of noise but when Lettie (Retasu Midorikowa or whatever) starts kissing that hot dude Ryou, the vacuum is put to shame in fact, they were all at it. Ichigo explained they were on a diet and threw my hummus sandwich away for me.

"Kissing saves me from starvation."she said before Kishu leapt across the table and kissed the life out of her.I felt quite out of place yet it felt exotic, so from today, I am officially recording the status of the popular group. And Io's group because if the hospital needs a reason of death I might just have it written down.

* * *

**Suggestions, critiques, (not a flame) are gladly appreciated.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks very much for your reviews and I DO understand that this is not your typical Fic and the characters are how you say 'out of character'.But hello, as someone kindly pointed out it IS Fan **_**Fiction.**_**Therefore, its NOT real. Okay? I'm not directing or accusing this at ANYONE. I just need to get it out of my 's the next chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Mew Mew.**

**Note: I started this fic awhile ago, then stopped it suddenly, but now I would like to continue it, so I am exusing the bad writing at the beginning, and hope you will read on enough to the latest chapters (Chapter 8 plus) and give me a pleasant review.**

* * *

**My room 3:45am.**

What is wrong with people? I was blissfully sleeping when suddenly this noise went off and everyone was trooping about the house screaming 'FIRE'. Alas it was _not _the fire alarm but my cell phone, apparently an option for a ringtone is 'alarm'. Mom ranted on at me about how much panic it had put us in and that she had a good mind to flush it down the toilet.I carefully pointed out to her that when she came out of her hippie phrase she would rant on about how expensive it was even for a crappy model and that she severely regretted it because she would not be able to reach me if I was lost. (Me, lost?) That sent her back to her tent. No seriously she is camping in the living room, but whatever.

**Bathroom 3:55am**

I had presumed the caller was Io due to her new standards of living but surprise surprise it was Mint. She seemed pretty upset over something.

"ITS ALL OVER!"she wailed and at first I thought she meant she didn't like me anymore and I was free to go back to my quiet life but no.

"Kish and Ichigo...They're not allowed to date!And all of us have been banned from the movies!" she wailed.I politely asked why as I haven't been to the movies since I got lost in the dark and went through the fire exit, setting off numerous alarms and lights much to my horror.I'm not even going to properly record what happened. Basically it involved a romp in the projector room where the retards were stupid enough to romp in front of the projector and have it shadowed on the big screen in a full house, Ichigo and Kishu were banned and made to tell all the names of their friends so no-one else could attempt this. It amazes me how little I have done to be classed as a friend of Ichigo's. Well no more jumbo hotdogs for me.

**Whatever Day Whatever Time School Some Weird Lesson With a Supply.**

I am so tired after last nights call.I don't think it mattered weather or not I was awake because the supply had a hard time keeping the others under control.

Mint was on her cell phone spreading something about Lettuce.I myself was asleep behind the cheese plants, Io was not present, probably behind school because Pai found a second hand ouja board in his attic.

Kishu was excitedly dressing the fake skeleton up as Principal Aoyama, which he says involves an elaborate prank, Ichigo was not as easily amused and was trying to make a new perfume out of chemicals. And Ryou was oblivious to all whilst admiring himself in a wacky mirror from a Kiddie Meal from Hilary Hen House.

Don't you just love lively people?

**Hiding Under The Science Stairs**

I cant believe I'm sat under the science stairs hiding from the principal.I've always behaved!I ate my snacks, did my homework all the way from pre school! And now I might face expulsion because Kish and Ryou put the skeleton in Principal Aoyama's chair and me and Ichigo were to keep look out. We did so then Kish told us to ring Masaya and he turned up to school, which is against the rules if he is suspended and started talking to the skeleton whom he couldn't see cause the chair was facing the wall. Masaya turned the chair around and screamed so loud you could hear him on the football feild, everybody but me was laughing and now we have to hide under the stairs for some totally absurd reason.I feel guilty to say I actually enjoyed this.

**Period 4 Mathematics**

Io was in maths today, she told me she had read my diary and that it was brilliant I was recording status quo and when I finished to give it to her so her cousin could publish it. I told her it would be just like _Mean Girls _and no way was I being Lindsay. Io said it would be nice to see Ichigo get hit by a bus.I cant say I disagree. Damn I should'nt have written that.

**Period 5 Gym Changing rooms**

I'm skipping class. Its not the only the populars, even the nerds do it, they sit there on their laptops or read manga books. Ichigo was examining her her nails cautiously and Mint was texting.

"Did you tell Miko about Lettuce?"Ichigo asked.

"Gosh no."Mint said."I totally forgot!" And seriously I believed her because Mint seems to tell me everything. Last week she told me she knew the bra size of every girl in school. I even believe that.

"She had a nose job!"Mint whispered.

"Its like, totally false and ew, she's only just fourteen,right?"Ichigo joined in.

"How do you know she had a nose job?"I asked.

"Cause she wouldn't come out Friday night and on Saturday this girl saw her with like bandages around her nose."Mint explained filing her nails.

"So?"

"Nobodies talking to her because only fakes get surgery like that."Ichigo told me.

"Ryou is heart-broken, maybe I'll go out with him."Mint shrugged.

I will not tell Io just the odd person.

**At Home On The Computer**

Big news! Lettuce claimed she never had surgery and made a website explaining what happened, she even did a reenactment.

"I swear down this is all true.I even left my doctors number if you don't believe me, I was getting ready for going out on Friday,when I slipped putting my lipstick on, the tube went right up my nose it was awful there was blood everywhere, my cell phone was in my pocket so I could call for help.I had to have an operation to remove it that's why my nose was bandaged." she started crying and then it ended. Holy moley.

* * *

**Suggestions, critiques, (not a flame) are glady appreciated.**


	4. Chapter 4

****

Note: I started this fic awhile ago, then stopped it suddenly, but now I would like to continue it, so I am excusing the bad writing at the beginning, and hope you will read on enough to the latest chapters (Chapter 8 plus) and give me a pleasant review.

**

* * *

**

**At my desk 5:00pm **

Lettuce was back in school today,she had a funny bump on her nose but that was it, all the others were crowding round her offering complimentary tissues and scented lip gloss. I offered her my best ball point pen and she said.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" And threw it in the trash.

Kishu was nervous, Masaya is back next week and he is worried that Ichigo will take him back.I can see his point, I can also see Ichigo using him as a decoy.

**Monday Morning Homeroom 8:30am**

Everybody is blanking Masaya. At the gates Ichigo was all over Kishu as Masaya walked through. He winked at me. I nearly threw up and told Ichigo what he did and she said he was a lonely little tree hugger. Weird Ichigo went crazy when Masaya took his mother to a tree convention instead of her. I was ambushed in the park on my way here by a blond little girl and this weird brunette haired boy who looked like death warmed up.

"One hundred Yen for the show!" the little girl called and flipped around on a beach ball... The little boy sat stone faced blowing up inflatable monkeys. I recognized them as two first years.

"Don't tell on us!" they cried."We just need money! Some big mean older grader takes our lunch money!" It is Pai who takes their money.I told Io on whom was smoking round the back.

"Pai is a pacifist, he does'nt believe in fighting. After some research it is'nt Pai at all but some dude called 'Meat Man the Supreme.'.

**Lunch **

I have been put in charge of the school play. My cast is:

Ichigo Momomiya

Minto Aizawa

Lettuce Midorikawa

Io Tanaka

Fumiko Fuwatari

Zakuro Fujiwara

Purin Fong ((The little blond female first year))

Masaya Aoyama

Ryou Shirogane

And Pei,Kish and Tart ((The brunette male first year)) . I had devised a plan to cast them all in a William Shakespeare play, preferably _Othello_ or a _Summer Nights Dream._I would love to see Masaya wandering around as Bottom. Or maybe Charles Dickens _Oliver Twist _Ichigo would make an excellent Nancy.

**Physics **

When telling the cast my idea for William Shakespeare the group went wild and insisted on _Romeo and Juliet._ I suppose it could be a good were awful, I'll just have to typecast the best I can.

**Cast For Romeo And Juliet **

Lord Capulet – Ryou Shirogane

Lady Capulet, _his wife –_Retasu Midorikawa

Juliet, _Capulet's daughter_– Ichigo Momomiya

Tybalt, _Capulet's nephew_– Masaya Aoyama

Nurse _to Juliet - _Minto Aizawa

Gregory _Servant to Lord Capulet - _Taruto

Peter _Servant to Lord Capulet – _Purin Fong

Lady- In-Waiting –To Lady Capulet – Fumiko Fuwatari

Lord Montague- Pei

Lady Montague _His Wife_– Zakuro Fujiwara

Romeo _Montague's Son_- Kish

Abram _Servant to Montague- _Io Tanaka

We have a _week _to perfect it. I see bloody disaster.

* * *

****

Suggestions, critiques, (not a flame) are gladly appreciated.


	5. Chapter 5

********

Note: I started this fic awhile ago, then stopped it suddenly, but now I would like to continue it, so I am excusing the bad writing at the beginning, and hope you will read on enough to the latest chapters (Chapter 8 plus) and give me a pleasant review.

**

* * *

**

****

Friday School Hall 1:30pm

Its strange what the most unruly people can do, if anyone dares to interrupt our rehearsals Ichigo will easily see them off. I'm strangely...happy?

**Minute Later**

It will go wrong,perfect rehearsals supposedly mean bad productions! Shit shit shit shi-Holy cow, I need to get a grip! The only worst thing that could go horribly wrong is..is a fire sets out and burns the whole school to the ground and the play will be cancelled.

**Minute Later**

I wish.

**Tuesday night 9:30pm**

I knew it would end in disaster, it started when Kishu said:

"What light through yonder window break? What the does he mean the moon?" And Ichigo leaned out her cardboard tower saying "No! Just say it retard!" and her breasts must be heavy because she toppled out of the tower on top of Kish who while failing to catch her staggered backwards into the scenery with fell over to reveal Principal Aoyama having a sneaky cigarette.

All the audience was gasping and murmuring and that Meatman the Supreme said aloud "I'd love to get hold of those " and Kishu challenged him to a fight and then Aoyama wandered on saying "Is it my turn yet?" All Meatman's friends stood up shouting

"Meaty! Kill the green guy! Get 'im!" And Aoyama started screaming

"Mommy!" and Mrs Aoyama stood up in the audience and started to run around going 'Tite! Don't stand there smoking that thing help my baby!"

Ichigo stood up shouting

"SIT DOWN! I HAVEN'T FREAKIN FINISHED YET!" A huge fight broke out between the jocks and Meatman's crew and Pai got shoved dropping his spliff onto Mrs Aoyama, which set her hair alight. Meatman and Kishu went after Aoyoma who had fled the building and the rest of the cast plunged into cat fights about their costumes and Minto had filmed everything on her phone.

Pudding and Tart were crying,Fumiko knocked the scenery into the audience,Io and Zakuro were putting the fire out with matching fire extinguishers,Lettuce was making out with Ryou and Ichigo had run after Kishu shouting "Wait for me!"

**The consequences**

Meatman was suspended for a month and Kishu was put in isolation for a week after Aoyama was found hiding in the city centre in a wheelie bin crying for his mommy. The bright side they are now friends and have their own out of school gang called the 'Masaya Mashers'

Ichigo was given a weeks detention for foul language and violently assaulting Mr Ishyama with her breasts after he tried to stop her assaulting another girl. On the bright side Mr Ishyama has a black eye.

Minto's film went on Youtube,I had an appearance near the end where I had cornered Meatman and was screaming at him for ruining my play,he answered me back and I slapped him. The bright side it was featured and had 52,784 hits.

Principal Aoyama was fined 3000 yen, on the bright side, Mrs Aoyoma got a new wig.

* * *

****

Suggestions, critiques, (not a flame) are gladly appreciated.


	6. Chapter 6

****

Note: I started this fic awhile ago, then stopped it suddenly, but now I would like to continue it, so I am excusing the bad writing at the beginning, and hope you will read on enough to the latest chapters (Chapter 8 plus) and give me a pleasant review.

* * *

**Tuesday 31st **

Next week is Ichigo's birthday party, I got an invitation this morning that was rather small and looked like it had been written with a stick.

"So, its like, a major party." Ichigo told us at lunch."So you, cant,like miss it okay? My mom and dad,like totally gave me a shitty budget so, I worked really hard."

"What was the budget?" Mint asked.

"Only like, eight hundred dollars!" Ichigo sniffed and everyone gasped.

"How mean!"

"Child abuse!"

"Sue them!" Ryou cried and everyone looked at him.

"Don't be stupid Ryou I can't sue them! Then they'd have no money for me! God your such a retard!" Ichigo yelled and ran off with Mint and Lettuce trailing after her.

"Your not stupid Ryou." I told him, just for comfort.

"I know." he said. "I have an amazingly high IQ of 75. That's a big number right?"

"Right..." I smiled and ran off, Ichigo was in the toilets crying.

"Miko chan!" she wailed hugging me." Oh my god I hate my life!This is worse when I failed that audition for '_Japan's Brainiest Schoolkids' _Did I ever tell you what happened?"

Who didn't hear that Ichigo tried to kill herself with an overdose of vitamin C tablets?

**5:oopm**

Christ on a bike, Mom is pregnant! Because all I ever wanted was more siblings,spawn of satan!

"I know its a big shock darling but you know how much I've wanted more children and me and Nori-kun have made alot of plans-"

Wait a sec, who the bloody hell is Nori-kun?

"Mom, not to be rude or anything but who is Nori-kun?"

Mom blinked dumbly for a few seconds."Nori-kun! You know my boyfriend who I've been dating the last few months? "

"Ah the OAP who visited last week? The one who took off his glasses while he held Hammy, then Chiyo buried his glasses in the sandpit,then he couldn't see so he put Hammy in the microwave and set it to defrost then somehow managed to wedge the turkey in the hamster cage asking why it had such a small hole? I thought that was grandma's boyfriend!" I lay back and laughed my ass off.

"Momiko you are being horrible!" she cried and stormed off slamming the door for dramatic effect.

"And he is going on a bike trip to Okinawa today, OAPs would not manage to do that so...so THERE!" she shouted through the door.

How immature she is.

**3:45am**

Drama! Drama! The police are here! What lark! I answered the door and flashed them a winning smile.

"Good ev-Morning constables, what seems to be the problem?"

The policemen frowned and held up a picture of Nori!

"Do you recognise this man?" one asked.

"This man,"I inquired, "Is he so tall, big glasses,nose, wearing extra small lycra cycling short shorts and a Lazy Town safety helmet?"

"Yes!" they nodded.

"No its not him then sorry." I found this quite amusing but mom didn't.

"Momiko move! Good day officers what seems to be the problem?" she lounged in what she thought was a sexy way against the door frame. She saw the picture and nearly fell over.

"Nori-kun!" she cried. "Oh dear oh dear! Officers has something happened? An accident? What ever it is you can tell me Im ready for it." she gripped me so tightly I gasped for air.

"Mam, I'm afraid your companion is a danger to himself and the public." the man frowned and I clapped.

"Touche constable! I don't need a helmet and a truncheon to figure that out!"

"Dont be horrible Momiko!" Mom glared at me, "Oh dear what did he do?" It turns out Nori set of on his bike trip with out making it to the end of the street before he fell off but not before he ran over an unfortunate squirrel and ripped the wing mirror of the police car.

"We'd only had it for a week madam." they sighed.

"Yes oh goodness I'm so terribly sorry didn't he have a bell?" Mom asked. They replied no as a cat collar with bell tied to the handlebars doesn't count.

* * *

****

Suggestions, critiques, (not a flame) are gladly appreciated.


	7. Chapter 7

****

Note: I started this fic awhile ago, then stopped it suddenly, but now I would like to continue it, so I am excusing the bad writing at the beginning, and hope you will read on enough to the latest chapters (Chapter 8 plus) and give me a pleasant review.

* * *

**Ichigo's party, the toilets.**

Ichigo's party is worse than Io's fifth birthday when her mom set fire to her sister's hair. Mainly because its in the Bear Factory. Ichigo explained that she couldn't rent the club out because her dad got banned when he started fighting the club owner who apparently looked at Ichigo and her mom 'funny'. So far Kish has filled his pants with stuffing and Ichigo has made a headless Hello Kitty plush. Mint is filming it all for apparently Youtube's worst birthday party, which she will post under an anonymous account.

**One minute later.**

There is a window in here! I wonder if I could fit - no its not nice.I must stay to celebrate Ichigo's date of birth.

**Back in the room**

Hurray party games. Unfortunately someone has locked the supervisor in the closet and we're playing dares. Ichigo was dared to kiss Mint and she did, they nearly made out but Mint found it hilarious. I was dared to climb in the stuffing machine but I wouldn't so I had to tell the truth.

"So Momi-chan." Ichigo said."Do you really like that Kumiko chick or what? I know you did'nt like Io and have a good reason but what about the other one?"

"Its Fumiko." I said.

"Whatever," said Lettuce,"She's like really annoying? She can't apply liner for shit and keeps asking me what I get up to all the time."

"Im sure she's just being polite." I laughed and they all looked at me waiting for an answer but fortunately I didn't have to answer because Kishu went 'Look at me!' before jumping into the stuffing machine. It blew up.

**One minute later**

Climbing through the bathroom window.

**Min later.**

Running home.

**Min later.**

Locking door.

**Min later.**

Hiding in bed.

**Monday 24th **

Has it seriously been nine months since I wrote in this thing? I only just found it at the back of my cupboard. I threw it there after Ichigo's disaster party. I'm going to Wal Mart with mom to get some things for the baby's room. Nori has moved in with us but its okay,he's only killed the hamster and blew up the oven,television and toilet.

**Walmart**

Mom is so picky.

"Lemon yellow, or custard?" there was seriously no difference but I picked custard and she decided on lemon. She sat down on a chair and started doing that huffing puffing thing she does when she's tired and she looked at me and screamed.

"Jeez mom!" I cried."I didn't mean to pick- oh my mom you just peed on the floor!"

And then I realized my mom was having a baby in on Christmas eve in Wal-mart.

**Outside Walmart**

Oh my god

Oh my god everyone in Walmart was looking and yelling and the ambulance came and half the kids from school were hanging around in the carpark looking and I had to get in the ambulance and go with her and shes screaming.

**Waiting room 12.00am**

Happy Christmas!

**12.03am**

Nori has just come out to tell me I have a brother.I think he wanted me to smile or cheer or something. I have a baby brother born on Christmas day.

**12.10am**

They have called him Jesus.

**12.13am**

Running home.

**Min later.**

Locking door.

**Min later.**

Hiding in bed.

To clear the pain I have made an update of my life.

**Mom- **Mother or new baby .

**Nori- **Father of Jesus, criminal record of dangerous cycling.

**Io - **Part of the Gothic Gang at school

**Fumiko- **Transferred to Ozumaru Daifuzoku High School across the city where she moved.I don't blame her.

**Masaya - **Least popular kid in school next to Dandruff Danny

**Kish - **Expelled for putting a for sale sign on the roof,spiking the principals drink and setting the chem lab on fire.

**Ichigo- **Away from school. Pregnant with presumably Kishu's child.

**Mint/Lettuce/Co- **Started up a new gang which I am included in, they may be utter retards but they are my only friends.

Somethings never change.

* * *

****

Suggestions, critiques, (not a flame) are gladly appreciated.


	8. Chapter 8

**Well this is the latest and newest chapter, I'm so happy that Sk8erGrl_chan previewed it for me! I was really happy to write this after such a long time, please read and review!**

* * *

**23rd November **

Wow, I can't believe I'm writing in this again. Its been about a year. Not much has changed to be honest, or if it has I'm to emotionally distraught to notice. Gotta go to school now, but first I have to change Our Lord Jesus's diaper because my mom is asleep with hangover and she doesn't acknowledge carrot and peas baby food gives him diarrhea.

**Homeroom. **

That was totally disgusting, why was there a sunflower seed in my little brother's excrete? I've told everybody not to feed him stuff that will just pass straight through his digestive system. God I feel like his mother and I'm only 16, who wants to be a mother at 16?

**2 minutes later. **

Must ring mom later and let her know I am going to Ichigo's baby shower with the girls.

**Period 3**

Geography, pointless really when all the teacher does is sit at the front drinking from his **World's No #1 Dad!!! **cup when its a known fact Mr Noga is a 40 year old virgin who lives with his mother above her lucky cricket shop. He's afraid of his own mother nevermind his unruly class, especially Kishu (whom after his father won the lottery, bribed Principal Aoyama to let Kishu back into school.)

Except poor Kishu is a bit down today, since someone asked weather Kishu really was the dad of Ichigo's baby after she was seen slipping into the broom cupboard with Meatman; Kish's fellow Masaya Masher comrade. And then she apparently had her 'bonus night' with Masaya because 'all couples must had their bonus night'.

**Gym**

The ever thrilling gym lessons continues, today's sport : balancing on the toilet seats with the doors slightly ajar so prefects think nobody is in here. We cant loll about anymore cause the school is on high security about skipping lessons after someone said the changing rooms was one of the places Ichigo's baby could have been conceived. Ew.

Of course somebody had to fail and Lettuce wept quite alot when she had to wring her shoe of toilet water.

**Later**

Math interrupted after Kishu set the fire alarm off and Principal Aoyama was startled by it, causing his nose hair trimmer to go right up his nostril. Receptionist Juuri fainted at the sight of blood and crushed a first year who cried because she squashed their cottage cheese and pineapple sandwiches. Everybody was made to evacuate outside where Mr Ishyama ran about offering tin foil for people to cover themselves in.

"We're not vegetables." I said to him after a child wrapped themselves with another by accident.

"You'll be a bloody fried vegetable if you loiter about inside while theres a fire!"

"But she just said we're not, and theres not really a fire, and we also evacuated first. I know I pushed a first year down the stairs to get ahead of him." Ryou added patting his hair.

"Tin foil will save us all!" Mr Ishyama went off grumbling then and slipped on a stray bit of tin foil, he took out a group of first years and went right into Principal Aoyama who had a paramedic trying to remove the nose trimmer.

"I'm bored." Mint sighed as she pressed the stop button on her mini video camera. Must check Youtube tonight.

"Lets go see Ichigo." she said and we went across the back fields to slip into town. Not to my surprise Io, Pai and Zakuro were already ahead off us, rolling up spliffs.

"Ah, gracious friends."

"Fuck off weirdo." Mint snapped, "Except you Zakuro, do you like milkshakes? My family just installed a new bar in the kitchen."

Mint decided she like Zakuro, the moment Zakuro landed a modelling contract, which then lead to some director seeing her face and offering her a role in a film.

We didnt have chance to get an answer because Pai bombed his lighter wich blew back and set fire to his brand new side fringe.

"The tin foil!" I cried, "In the words of Mr Ishyama! It will save us all!"

Pai no longer has a fringe.

**3:23pm**

Sat in a park, Ichigo wasn't home. She went out shopping for tonight's shower. So there sat me, Minto, Lettuce , Ryou and Kish. I don't know when Kish got here, he wasn't there two minutes ago.

**3:34pm**

"What if the babys not mine?" Kish said, "What if its Meatmans or AOYAMAS or Ichigo's cousins?"

"What?" I said.

"Her cousin came to visit once, he had his way with her behind the snack bar, she said they didn't but I knew, she had weenie sauce smeared on her thigh. The sour cream kind."

I don't think it was even sauce, but I didn't have the heart to tell Kish.

"Her cousin? That's incest?" I pointed out to the oblivious others.

"No no no, hes her first cousin." Lettuce said as if I were wrong.

"And?" I said, "That's incest."

"No because you see Momiko, sweet naive Momiko, you have your first cousins, and your second cousins, and your third...that's not right is it?" Ryou frowned.

"No, thats so not right." Mint said as we all stared into space, and then I realised we just quoted Mean Girls.

Wait.

"Ryou have you watched Mean Girls."

"It is like, so fetch."

I'm speechless.

**4:25pm**

Walking home, to get ready for Ichigo's baby shower. There was a hobo passed out in the gutter,

"Oh look he's sleeping!" Lettuce cried oblivious to the fact he had an empty litre of gin in his hand and piss all down his trousers.

"Maybe he's a wizard." said Kish prodding him with a stick.

"Kish! You cant do that," I said.

"Well what else do we do?" someone asked. I glanced up at the nearby Cafe, and I made the wholesome decision to buy him coffee and some fries. Kish continued to poke him until he woke up, I graciously gave the figments to him. "For you, free of charge." I said.

"Are you the angel Gabriel?" he asked.

"No, merely a fellow human being."

"Jesus?"

"I'm a girl sir."

"Really? Oh well, the Virgin Mary?"

"No."

"Yeah you didn't look like much of a virgin either. Ill take these potatoes but I dont want no feckin coffee." he grunted throwing it at us. It hit Ryou's new Dolce and Gabanna 'shoulder bag' (manbagmanbag) and Ryou cried.

"I'm so glad we helped somebody!" Kish grinned on the way home, as Lettuce helped Ryou as he weeped.

**4:58pm**

Reached home finally, to have my neighbour Mr Tamagotchi (his names Tamaguchi or something but my younger siblings refer to him as an electronic pet) come bustling towards me. Mrs Tamagotchi clung to his arm.

"Now dont upset yourself Nobu."

"Upset myself, UPSET MYSELF?" he shouted.

"What seems to be the problem?" I inquired, you know what God said, or Jesus,(not my brother) help thy neighbour or whatever.

"That bloody cat of yours has absolutely destroyed my mini outdoor aquarium! Decimated it! There were tadpoles everywhere!"

"Archimidius was just playing a game." I insisted. "He thinks the aquarium was a present for him."

"I ought to complain to the council and get that thing taken away! Its a danger to everyone!" he shouted.

"Yes,I agree" I nodded. "Aquariums can be very dangerous." Unfortunately he was a humorous person, but I managed to trot off before he could hit me.

My mother was finally up, tenderly caring for her young. I'm sorry, I meant tenderly passed out on the sofa to the sound of High School Musical (WHY DID THEY BRING IT TO JAPAN!?) and the children...well I don't know where the children were. Was my mother dead? Had my siblings been kidnapped?!

**A minute later**

Nori left a note, it looks like its been written with a stick but a note non the less.

'Hallo darling, when you wak up, I haf taken the children to-' to where? Why must Nori have such shit handwriting.

But one must take advantage of what life throws at them.

"Mommmmm I'm going out I'm taking some money? Yeah, kay thanks BYE!"

**On the way to meet Mint for Ichigos.**

So much has changed in the last year, I find myself, not to my pleasure, that I'm best friends with Mint Aizawa.

"I got my baby shower idea from Shrek 3!" she giggled upon seeing me. "Where can we get a dwarf at such a time?"

**5 minutes later.**

Ive found Nori, well he found me. He came up to me with Youki, Chiyo, Kumi and... where was Jesus? There was a pumpkin in the place of Jesus.

"Momiko!" he waved, oh God he was wearing his 'IVE BEEN TO CONEY ISLAND' tee shirt. When Nori has never even ventured out of Japan. Infact, I think he ordered it on Ebay and has no idea what it says. But still.

"Momiko, do you think your mother would mind if I lost Jeoff?"

HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THE NAME OF HIS OWN CHILD.

"No she wont. But she would mind if you lost Jesus."

"Yeth, thats what I said, Jeoff."

"Je-sus."

"Je-off."

"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

"SUS!"

"OFF!"

"Ive never played this game before!" Minto squealed clapping.

**2 minutes later**

Eventually I just ran off, I sat on a wall for a moment. Well I'm still here now. I think Mint's playing with Nori. An elderly man in a skirt passed by.

"Ah wee young ken." I dont know why he called me Ken but y'know.

"Uhh...Hai there." I said in japanese. He stared at me for a moment. "Hello?" I repeated in english.

"Hallo young ken." he grinned. "I be from Scotland."

"I be from Japan?" I sighed. Madness takes its toll around here, gets boring.

"Im only kidding." the man said suddenly in japanese laughing. "What do you think? I'm a good actor right?"

He was wrong.

**Back with Mint and Nori **

"MINNNN"

"MINNNN"

"TO!"

"TWO!"

"Momiko I love this gentleman hes so amusing!"

"Mint we're going to be late, you know Ichigo. She threw a plate at her dad because he used cinnamon sprinkles instead of chive."

We got on our way then, we didn't solve Nori's Jesus/Jeoff/Pumpkin problem. But ah well I'm busy.

**At Ichigo's**

Ichigo sat on the sofa, hugeeeeeeeee. She is ready to burst anyday now. She showed us another scan,

"But I don't wanna know the sex." she said. "Although my mom said 'If born under Venus, looks for a penis.'"

"So have you thought of any names?" Mint asked.

"Well, I liked Kanye Masaya Kish, but Kish might get annoyed."

You think Ichigo? "Is it even his baby?" I blurt out accidentally.

"Yeah, it is." Ichigo nodded. "I know everybodys saying its not. But it is, I just think not knowing right now will keep aloofness in the air. Or mysteriousnosity. Whatever you call it."

**10:32pm**

I decided to go home after that. I think the wannabe Scottish actor followed me, but whenever I turned around he hid behind a lamp-post. (Great hiding place, yeah!) I'd call the police but I think he's just lonely.

**24th November**

I dragged myself up this morning to find my mother had relocated to the bedroom. I discovered she isn't that hungover, its just gastric flu combined with hangover.

So that helped Nori's situation and I walked into the kitchen to see the pumpkin in Jesus's highchair with fried egg eyes scribbled on in sharpie.

"Where is Jesus?" I hissed to Nori. He looked at me and panicked.

"I no know!" he cried. "I go back to pumpkin place, they say baby there, then they say people take him home instead of pumpkin!"

"Why were you even at a pumpkin farm!" I shouted.

"Because it Hawwoween!" he shouted back.

"BUT ITS NOT?"

"It not?" he glanced at the calender. "Oh I fowget to turn month."

"NEVERMIND!" I cried. "Anybody could have picked him up and gone away with him! He's barley a year old! He cant walk, he's allergic to peanut butter (don't ask how we found that out) and all he can say is kee! (An attempt at kitty.)"

"You wight Momiko, you wight. Okay, today you no go school, and we both look for him okay?"

"Right." I agreed and ran upstairs, shoving on my jeans and jumper I ran downstairs and outside. Today, like normal, I had to find my baby brother, Jesus.

* * *

****

Suggestions, critiques, (not a flame) are gladly appreciated.


	9. Chapter 9

**Toy Story 3 :D 3 I love Barbie and Ken and spanish Buzz.**

* * *

**24th November**

The day all that happened with Jesus seemed to stretch on forever. First I made Nori go back to the pumpkin farm, where the pumpkin farmer's wife said that someone had definatley taken Jesus, and she could describe them as being tall, burly with a skin head and tatoos. At this point I immediately burst into tears, (wouldn't you?) at the thought of my baby brother being taken away by such a man. I loved him even though he ate Nori's laxatives (I don't know why he had them either) and pooped in my schoolbag. I loved him even though the first time we took him to McDonald's he threw his chicken nuggets at me and choked on Chiyo's gerkin which he had picked up of the floor. I love him even though he spat it back up and the rest of his lunch all over the floor and the staff banned us from that branch. And he's only just two the tyke!

The farmers wife then said that the same family had called this morning to order another batch of pumpkins, and she would gladly tell us the address even though it violated privacy rules because she hated living at a pumpkin farm. She wrote it down for us and to my horror I saw it was on the rough side of town, but I ventured there anyway for Jesus, and if anybody did hassle us I could leave Nori and run. You'll never guess who had Jesus. Meatman had Jesus.

Except at home he goes by his real name, Hime. (Now I totally understand his nickname, wouldnt you invent that if you were a buff guy called Princess?)

Meatman was totally surprised to see me, and invited me in, even though I slapped him at the school play for giving me cheek. He totally didnt mind when Nori knocked over his hanging flower baskets either. It might sound rude, but I was really surprised to see how neurotically tidy his house was, and in the front room sipping tea was Meatmans mother. She was really beautiful with flawless skin, big blue eyes and long silky black hair. She is a total saint for getting Meatman out. Of her.

She said she would gladly give us Jesus back, but she wasn't sure if she should, as it was very careless to leave a baby at a pumpkin farm, and anything could have happened. Of course I agreed with this and blamed Nori, and said my mother had been on a...long..trip somewhere and would be extremely distraught if she came home to find Jesus gone, as we'd already lost one sister to..uh...goldfish fever. Meatman's mother gave Jesus back to us, and for some reason he was wearing a mini poncho.

As we were about to leave Meatmans brother came in, so to be friendly I said hi, then Meatman said. "Momiko this is my sister Kazuo."

FIRST BORN SON?

I said it was very nice to meat, I mean meet her, but we had a llama at home that just needed to be fed.

My mom was up when we got home, eyes ablaze as she stared at the pumpkin in the highchair, she turned to face us, immediately calming down when she saw Jesus.

"Oh you went shopping to get him a poncho! How sweet!"

Yes, it really was.

**25th November**

**School **

Sat at the back of media class, watching _I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. _Media is great because all we do is sit at the back eating Pick'n Mix and watch films because our teacher is busy trying to write a childrens novel entitled _The Whispering Sand, _and we only have to pretend to analyse and shit if the headteacher comes looking around the school. So we were sat there at the back, myself and myself actually watching the film while Kish snored away and Mint fussed over how many saturated fats were in a fizzy gummy worm. She then turned to me and said, "We're going to see Ichigo again tonight, are you coming? You like baby stuff right?"

"Of course I do."

I have three younger siblings under the age of 7 for crying out loud! (Because Youki is twelve, and apparently that is the age he becomes a man.) I'm very child friendly, for example I don't let Jesus eat trans fats or processed meat, or saturated sugar, he could develop alot of health problems from that junk! Kish then sits up and says, "So you get money for being a gay married couple?" so he really was watching the film. Kish then got up and walked out of the room to find Ryou so they can claim domestic partnership and get illegal benefits for his unborn child.

**Lunchtime**

Kish and Ryou came over and sat down to say that they bunked the morning off, and registered as domestic partners at the town hall.

**Five minutes later**

Mint is positive that if we play _Juno _to Principal Aoyama he will let Ichigo come back to school until her baby is born. Mint added we should play the 'the baby is possibly your grandchild' card (even though we know the baby is Kishu's) so Principal Aoyama will let her back in.

Infact, both she and Lettuce have gone to his office now, I don't want to play part of that or Ryou and Kishu's gay partnership, so I went round the back of school to stand with Io, Zakuro and Pai. Pai's fringe is okay now, its still a little singed but the black flakes have stopped falling off. Except Io wasn't in because since she befriended Pai and Zakuro she became strictly vegan, and this morning accidentally ate a gummy bear because Kishu hid it in her soft granola bar. She freaked out and went home.

**Walking home**

I was walking home with Kish when that weird Scottish actor who stalks me, approached us. He said hello and I said hi back, and he followed me and Kish down the road. Eventually Kish had to leave at the next corner so he went off on his way and it was just me and the Scottish actor trailing along behind me. He got the courage to come closer and asked me if I was interested in adopting a goose.

I apologised and said I just wasn't ready for a goose yet. He told me he understood.

**28th November**

Today a heavily pregnant Ichigo Momomiya was allowed back into school, after Mint and Lettuce played _Juno _to the principal. Apparently Principal Aoyama cried and said he hoped his grandchild would attend this institution someday. Okay then.

Within half an hour of her arrival, Ichigo's new nickname was in fact: '_Juno'. _

"I'm only here until I can be bothered." she said. "And I might give birth any moment now."

I suggested maybe it would be safer for her if she went home, until the baby was born; but she refused and started colouring a doodle of a pram she had done.

**4th Period**

You know when two guy friends come up to you and ask if they can borrow your baby brother so they can pretend they are a legitimate gay couple? No neither do I. Until now.

"We only need him this evening." Kish said, "You can even witness the whole thing."

"But you have to say its our baby."

"I am not doing that." I told them, how idiotic did they have to be to even consider asking me that? Actually don't answer that. "I'm not using my baby brother to help you convince the government you are a gay couple."

Kish said that if I didn't help them by bringing Jesus over then he would tell my mother what happened to Jesus the other day. Shit. I told Kish I would bring Jesus over around seven.

**6:50pm**

I'm stood outside Ryou's apartment with Jesus, who prior to Kishu's instructions is dressed in a bear costume. (I don't get it either.) Tonight is going to be horrific, I can just feel it. Two benefiet thieves, a baby dressed as a bear, an investigator and myself are not a good equation. Bye bye world, I'm going to jail for this.

* * *

**Suggestions, critiques, (not a flame) are gladly appreciated.**


End file.
